I am going to write frankly here because–frankly–there are very few people who may ever read this blog.
Those of you who know me have heard my misery over my job. Many of you have made the same decision in your work lives: changing direction toward the unknown based–frankly–on more money and prestige. Perhaps you even had become disillusioned with your old job and had begun the search. When the promotion was offered, you jumped at the chance to report directly to a vice president, or whatever perk took you to that place of unknown. Even though your kind-hearted and protective boss warned you–told you not to take it, basically–you did it anyway, thinking you’d make the best of any challenge.
My purpose here is not to bad-mouth my particular job, but to connect with the idea of hoping for the best, fearing the worst and forging ahead, despite dire warnings from others. Riding a wave of enthusiasm, good intentions and not a small bit of hubris, I took the job. And for weeks I’ve fumbled around, given voice to my distress….
Until that “one true thing” pushed its way in.
It happened last night.
It made me realize that I’ve spent enough time convincing myself that my job is viable for me and enough time boring people with my angst.
It happened last night. At the grand opening of a little community clay cooperative.
That little moment occurred on the potters’ wheel. And for some unbelievable reason, a friend captured me in a photo–frankly–at the moment the “one true thing” happened! She said I made the whole thing look so easy, and it was. In that moment I was aligned–body, mind, emotion, spirit.
I don’t have words for it…it is a feeling. A very quiet, still, assured, peaceful knowing. Its like all of a sudden I understood my place in the world.
While it could be connected with the clay, I feel it other times, too. It is a usefulness and a blossoming all at the same time. It is a time-out from the regular urging of time, yet it only takes an instant.
I knew there was something more intended for me than the politics and stress and endless searching for approval!
Let’s see: when else have I experienced this “one true thing?” Hmmm, when watching a video I took of my own hands forming clay into a turtle. When I thought about the actions of tying a scarf into patterns for dying. There may be more, but I don’t want to force it. I just want to notice when it happens.
In that moment, I could be fully me without anyone being diminished. I didn’t have anything to prove, I could just be. I might spend some time analyzing it to what brings it on, but perhaps I will just notice it.
Here’s the thing: I know it has to be connected with God. I have been in so much turmoil and so sad. I’ve been praying for relief and to know my direction. I’ve wanted to know how to get off of the people-pleasing cycle. I’ve wanted to just be and just be okay with that.
If I’d made a list of important things, I could have written my way around it, probably thinking it was my creativity, my teaching, my drive to connect with other humans. None of those descriptions fully fit this because it is so visceral.
turning the tables on you,
“What is your one true thing?”